Again, I wish I was a better person.
I was reading thoughts about Self-Esteem Neal A. Maxwell. Basically what he said was that the most important thing that will prevent us from sharing the gospel will be negative self-esteem... I KNOW this to be TRUE. I am terrified to see my family and talk to them, because what if they do not see that I a happier/better person because of the gospel (if I even am those things?). Interesting huh? I am scared. I am insecure. I admit it. Their voices are always in my head telling me I am not good enough, that I am not doing what I should be doing. I have to fight those things every day and I am thousands of miles away, what happens if I 'fall' and they are right there to see it. It will be how it was in the past, I hated how I was treated. I am scared. Fear is of the Devil. Faith is what I need, faith given by the power of the Holy Ghost... that is the only thing that has given me strength to do anything good in my life.
Maybe the real problem is that I just don't really like myself right now, I waste too much doing things that do not benefit others, and no one really knows any of this about me and the only thing I am honest with is this blog.
My dad has called like 10 times in the last 4 days. I finally talked to him tonight. After about ten minutes, I told him I would call him back. I never did. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to any of them. I hate the person I am around them, I think I hate the person the think me to be. I hate that I can not just show them Christ-like love and be excited to see them and talk to them and love them. Yup, I never called him back, I never email him back, I am sick of hearing what he has to say, especially if it is “nice”, I do not know how long that is going to last.
I am missing my sister's high school graduation (apparently I am selfish and put forth no effort to see my family) so I will miss it and my heart is broken about it. I try not to think about it, but I do. So if you see me and I am not at my best... now you know why. I am so sick of having my heart break…. Seriously I promised her, I should be there, I should be in her life. I would almost give up the gospel for her. I would almost give this all up to fix things with the people who are my family. I would not dare give up what the Lord has given me through this gospel. I would not dare give that up, I would regret that for eternity. Knowing what I know now. I made a covenant.
What would I do without those friends I think of as family??? I think I care about people way more than they care about me. I need to not be so attached to people. I am grateful for the people on my life who treat me better than what I think I deserve.
I felt like a child today, and I just want to run away and never face my problems (like mature people do). What good is a blog if not to let everyone know that Life is HARD and they are not alone, we all struggle with something, we all are not perfect, but holy cow (!!!), I do Love this thing called Life.
love.love.love. All Around.
(P.S. You are only allowed to comment if you have a joke, I wrote this because I wanted to, not because I want to know what you have to say. You can talk to me in person if you have an opinion about this.)
No comments:
Post a Comment